Copyright William Read 1998 - -Send email if you like or dislike something to:
email: wrezzzad@ucsd.edu - -(BUT remove the zzz in the address!)The Aimless Quest of Bungston Shag
Chapter 1. Chapter 2. Chapter 3. Chapter 4. Chapter 5. Chapter 6. Chapter 7. Chapter 8. Chapter 9. Chapter 10. Chapter 11. Chapter 12. Chapter 13. Chapter 14. Chapter 15. Chapter 16. Chapter 17. Chapter 18. Chapter 19. Chapter 20. Epilogue.Chapter 20
Bungston awoke in the familiar red world behind his eyelids. He opened them a crack and saw sunlit sand. He also saw an orange and black engine of destruction moving in with outstretched claws and malice in its tiny stalked eyeballs. The wizard tried to roll away but ran up against a hairy barricade behind him. As the crab closed, Bungston managed to steamroller up and over the impediment. The crustacean was evidently unable to stop in time, and continued on to plow into Napoleon's maroon shag. Bungston jogged into the surf to clear his head of cobwebs, then walked back to where Irn was reclining in a lawn chair in front of the black cabana. "Hey, we made it. Is Bob OK too?"
"I wrapped him in a shower curtain and he was up in five minutes," she replied. Irn wore a pair of Bungston's boxers and a long-sleeved oxford. "Sunburn," she explained. "I forgot you have to ease into these things." She picked up a half-full glass standing in the sand next to her bug duster. "Lemonade? You had quite a trip."
"Yeah I did." He took a sip of hot lemonade, still woozy from the mushroom ring. "I guess Bob's just used to fungus. I guess you are too." He walked back to where Napoleon was snoozing on the beach and disentangled the crab from his fur, benevolently leaving it to scuttle on its way. "Nap and I sure aren't. But thanks for getting us back." The wizard walked into the cabana.
Someone had placed their newly gained loot on the altar next to what was already there - the red ring, a clove of garlic and the hairball in its stone were all there. In retrospect, he probably could have let the sorcerer keep his hairball since it wasn't really what he was after, but it was probably just as well he had taken it. Maybe its formidable spirit would be good for something - answering questions or whatever it was Nap said hairballs did. There was also some other new goodies with traces of tar on them; Irn must have gone back and pilfered them from the dragon's lair. Bungston picked up the red ring and toyed with it; it would be nice if he could shoot energy like that sorcerer had. He put it on and tapped it against the hairball but nothing happened. The tapped the ring with Napoleon's magic wand or stick and thought that maybe, just maybe, he felt something. He tried again.
Napoleon shambled in through the screen door. "Bung, the Queen is here from Avalon," he rasped, sounding like a flooded engine trying to start. "She's come to get the quest thing and she's pretty excited. Good timing, eh?"Bungston jumped to his feet in a panic. He had an adze and a wonger banger and a goddess hairball but no - he checked his arm - Chazbirglath. He could hear Irn conversing with someone outside. "Stall!" he whispered fiercely at Napoleon, smacking the red ring with the stick for emphasis.
"What? Huh? Why don't you just give her the thing and she'll leave? I think she might even have your wildest dream reward along with."
Bungston looked at his mutant. Napoleon's suggestion had pulled a big piece of thought out of the wizard's murky subconscious, and now it rattled around his head where he could get at it. No-one had ever heard of this Chazbirglath except for crazy Queen Z, and likely not even her. She wanted to use it to keep an island from sinking that probably wasn't sinking, and everyone else just wanted to humor her. Bungston slowly nodded.
A red and white uniformed royal guard stepped in through the storm door. "Her Royal Highness, Queen Z.!" Then the queen walked in. Behind her followed a big Siegfried-looking guy, with blond braids, a bare chest and a longsword strapped across his back. Behind him was another palace guard, and then Angar Firestorm, sweating profusely in his star-and-moon purple robes and dunce cap. Irn and Robigus walked in afterwards. Robigus glared at Firestorm from behind, and Bungston prayed that the mildew god would keep quiet about the court magician's supposed demon worshipping escapades.
The Queen looked even more drawn and crazed than Bungston remembered; this was definitely a woman in need of medication. And there was no better medication than Bungston's favorite drug, placebo. "Hello, Queen Z.," said Bungston. "Sorry this place is such a shambles, but we've been away."
The Queen glared at Bungston for a second, then whirled a fixed the guard in her stare. "We have the utmost confidence in you, Wizard Bungston. The utmost confidence," she stated imperiously, in a voice that sounded like a shriek was hiding just around the corner. Then the Queen looked back at Bungston, a sly, almost seductive look out of the corner of her eye. It wasn't very regal, and Bungston made a private vow to just take everything in stride, unless she went wok and actually bit him or something. "It must seem to you as if we are checking up on you. I hope you are not offended."
"No, no, not at all," said Bungston. "In fact..."
"Because I have the utmost... the utmost confidence in you." said the Queen softly. She began to pace, wending her way among the trophies of Bungston's travels and the several people who were standing around in the cabana. She never bumped into any. "But I am here because I could not wait any longer. I had to come."
"I am not offended," said Bungston, "because you are just in time. I have completed my quest, and thought long and hard about this matter, and I have come to a ... conclusion," he finished dramatically.
Suddenly the Queen rushed up to him, her face only inches away. "What is it? What have you discovered?" she whispered intently. Her breath smelled like she had been eating grass or green weeds. Probably she felt bad, reasoned Bungston; Napoleon sometimes ate grass when he felt bad. It sure looked like the other people in the cabana were feeling pretty bad and nervous about the Queen's wacky behavior, although she herself did not take any notice of them.
"I have completed my quest, and have realized that the most effective way to aid the island of Avalon is to aid its Queen, by increasing, magnifying and multiplying her mighty powers!" It was like switching on Irn's ultralamp inside the Queen's head. Her eyes became radiant. Bungston continued. "And there is only one item, one artifact, one source of power which can achieve this task like no other... the Chazbirglath!". The wizard noticed that Firestorm was smiling beatifically at him. What the heck did that mean? The Queen looked frantically over the treasure set out on the altar, but Bungston shook his head. "Mere baubles. I have placed the Chazbirglath in an vessel secured against its mighty power - pardon me while I get it."Bungston jogged into his bedroom and pulled a wax papaya loose from the sombrero decorated with wax fruit. It was a fine looking papaya; the mold marks barely showed. Probably Queen Z and her entourage had never seen a papaya. Bungston gave it a spit shine then wrapped it in his fuzzy terrycloth towel.
He walked back into the other room and climbed up onto the altar, pushing the assorted loot away with his feet to make room. "Behold!" he shouted, holding the papaya and towel over his head. "The Chazbirglath!" Queen Z and the other Avalonians all drew excited breaths and leaned close. Bungston kept the papaya held high, since it looked like the Queen might make a grab for it before he got out his speech. "Long and treacherous leagues have we trooped, seeking this mystical marvel! We have done battles with monstrous beasts of all persuasion, with murderous enemies mundane and magical; we have pitted our valor and vitality against a leprous lecherous legion of implacable foes! And we have prevailed!" He shook the papaya and went on. "We have thrown our resolve time and again against obstacles intractable and inflexible, but we have not faltered, we have not doubted, nay, we - have - prevailed!" Bungston's voice grew hushed. "And in the deepest darkest hour...when there was almost no light.. when the future was grim and grisly and grizzled... did we lose hope? No! Undaunted, we pressed on! And we have achieved our goal! The Chazbirglath! Here it is!" Bungston's features fairly radiated heroism, and he lowered the papaya and towel into the Queen's arms. The royal guards had become misty eyed from Bungston's impressive speech, and even the Siegfried-looking guy was quivering in the chin a bit. Tears ran freely down the Queen's face, and it looked like she would lop off her ear and hand it to him if Bungston asked. It really had been one of Bungston's finest. Irn and Robigus stood open mouthed near the door.
Queen Z accepted the wax papaya qua Chazbirglath with royal dignity, though it took some time for her to recover enough poise to speak. "I knew that you were the right choice for this mission; in truth Avalon has never doubted your abilities." Already the magic papaya seemed to be working; dignity from long untapped dignity reserves was flowing into the Queen as she spoke. "The court wizard Firestorm had told us that you might have already accomplished your quest, and we have your reward - a magic lamp that will grant you three wishes. It is among the finest items in the Avalonian treasury. You may wish for anything your heart desires - and you deserve it all. Thank you."
One of the royal guards took out a purple velvet sack, inside of which was the old-style type of brass oil lamp, the kind you might expect to grant wishes. She handed it to Bungston, who nodded solemnly. The Queen nodded in return. "I am only too happy to have performed this service," stated Bungston. "I hope that your enhanced puissance..." At this point Irn began to cough uncontrollably and she had to bolt from the cabana. "Enhanced puissance together with this potent tool can... uh, keep the island from going under. Avalon is lucky to have such a caring ruler."
The Queen stepped up to Bungston, who steeled himself for whatever might come next. But instead she reached down into her collar and fished out an amulet, set with a oval emerald. This she placed around Bungston's neck. "There is no way I can thank you enough," she said. Then she turned and left, the royal guards preceding him and carrying the Chazbirglath papaya. The Siegfried guy also left.
Irn walked back in the back door as the Queen and her entourage left, and she and Robigus walked up to Bungston, each one spouting questions. They were interrupted by court magician Angar Firestorm. "Bungston, I believe you and I have a matter to discuss," he said with a sardonic smile.
Robigus scowled and placed a long gray hand on the Firestorm's shoulder and gave him a shove, then reached for his shortsword. "Demon-worshipping buttface!" spat the mildew god at the astonished old man. "Your deviltrous magic near cost us our lives. It would be just should I gut you as you stand!" He drew his sword, and it looked very much like the god would carry out his threat in the next few seconds.
Bungston slid between the two, carrying the magic lamp under his arm. "Bob, Bob, you're right. But let me talk to him first. Maybe it was an accident."
"In private," added Firestorm.
"An accident!" blustered the mildew god. Bungston made pacific gestures and Irn put an arm around the outraged warrior's waist, escorting him from the cabana.
Bungston turned back to the sweaty purple magician. What the heck was he smirking about? The wily wizard's paranoia kicked in, but he clamped down on it and put on an ingenuous grin. "So, Angar. Looks like I did it after all, eh?"
The fat old man smirked even more. He had his tiny scrying glass in his hand, and he rolled it around in his palm.
"Looks like the Queen was right about me," said Bungston, as paranoia slowly won out over ingenuous. "Uh, and I got rewarded after all."
"Wax fruit." said Firestorm rather casually.
"Mmm." hummed Bungston. He decided to try bluffing it out to the bitter end. "Good stuff. You like it too?"
"I think that piece of wax fruit makes a fine Chazbirglath. I think it will suffice for the Queen's purposes." said Firestorm. Bungston relaxed just a tad. "Yep, all she needs is a good placebo. Not that I didn't try to find the stupid Chazbasher."
Firestorm smirked some more, rolling the scrying glass significantly around in his palm. "As I said, I am afraid you were set an impossible task. I myself tracked much of your progress, and I know you never acquired the Chazbirglath. But I am certain the Queen would be displeased should she hear of your little ruse. Very displeased. And it would not be good for your reputation." The fat man grinned even wider.
Bungston's crewcut drooped. The woeful wizard sagged against the tile-plastered altar as he realized the import of the magician's words. "What do you want?" he asked bleakly. "I'll pay hush money. I've got a hairball with a formidable spirit here..."
Firestorm walked up and gently withdrew the magic wish lamp from under Bungston's arm. He tucked it under his robe and Bungston watched his wildest dreams vanish beneath sweaty purple fabric. "This will do." he said gleefully. Firestorm was probably happier than he had ever been before; it looked like his sour old face might break from all the smiling he was doing. "All is well that ends well, right?" Bungston glared murderously at the pleased magician. He should have let Robigus mince him up. "And, in case you might be plotting some revenge on this poor old man," continued the purple magician, "I would advise against it. The Queen will learn of your... shall we say, failure? And I myself" - he gave the magic lamp a pat - "will be well protected. Farewell Bungston." On the way out the happy old magician grabbed the control statue for the Avalonian wrapped carriage. Then he paused and also grabbed Bungston's lacquered stuffed crocodiles. "Always wanted one of these," he said. He giggled as he left.
Bungston slid into a heap on the cluttered floor of the cabana. It had been going so well; all he had needed to do was explain to Robigus why he had given Queen Z the papaya, and then sit back and live his wildest dreams. But that Firestorm! And he couldn't even get revenge. GNASH BITING ASS LIKE FLASH OF BASH PLASTIC RIPPING SPIT PICKLE SACK-WRAPPED WAFTING PASSING GAS HALF-WRISTED FISH HASH! A stained paper shopping bag appeared in front of him; Bungston stared at in misery then picked it up and put it over his head. It smelled like beets inside. He sat in bleakest despair.
After a few minutes the bag on Bungston's head started to crumple and rustle as it was pummeled from the outside. A small tear opened up and a familiar bloodshot eye peered in. "Bung," rasped the mutant owner of the eye, "I invited Bob to stay at the cabana a while. And Irn. OK?"
Bungston nodded his bagged head, overcome with self-pity.
The eye left the rip in the bag for a brief moment, then returned. "Where'd you put that magic lamp? Can I try it?"
"Firestorm stole it," mumbled Bungston in piteous tones. "He blackmailed me."
"Blackmail? That monkey's ass!" ground the mutant. "What's he got on you?"
"I gave the Queen a wax papaya instead of her magic thing. Firestorm knew it cause he's got a crystal ball."
Robigus' voice penetrated Bungston's beet scented world. "I thought it ignoble of you to so deceive the Queen, who is a fine ruler despite her shortcomings. Yet I bade my tongue be silent until I heard your explanation."
Bungston ripped the small tear Napoleon had made until it was big enough to poke his face through. "We never found the real thing, Bob. We never got the thing the Queen wanted. I don't think it exists; I think the Queen made it up. So I had to bluff. But Firestorm found out."
Robigus, Napoleon and Bungston sat quietly around the cabana. After a while Irn came in, and sensing the general mood joined in sitting quietly. "Well, its not like we failed or anything," ground Napoleon. "We got all this great stuff." The maroon canine indicated the heap of loot.
"Yeah, I guess you're right." Bungston continued to sit on the floor and mope. "He stole my crocodiles too."
"Bungston," began the mildew god, a perplexed scowl crossing his features, "you say that Firestorm knew you did not possess this magical item. Yet did he not send his demon after you to claim it? Why would he do such a foolish thing?"
Bungston pulled off the bag and stood up. "Pretty foolish, OK. I guess I should have asked. I'm not really sure he knew the demon came here; I think he just sort of turned it loose." The wizard's mind wrestled with this dilemma but came up with nothing.
"I was wondering something too," said Irn. "If that magic lamp could grant anything, why didn't the Queen just use it to get the thing she needed?"
Bungston pondered this too, with little more success. "Maybe `anything' is kind of a figurative term. Like any thing. I don't know that either."
Napoleon added his two cents. "Say Bung, what do you think the Z stood for in Queen Z's name? We never found out, did we?"
"Zarbawargafarga, probably." This drew a chuckle from Irn and Napoleon. Bungston drew a deep breath. "Well, like you say, Nap; not a bad quest all in all. I should be able to figure out how to use some of this stuff to make food. I'm not in the mood for Irn's bug duster paste just yet."
GO TO NEXT CHAPTER (epilogue )