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The Aimless Quest of Bungston Shag
Chapter 1. Chapter 2. Chapter 3. Chapter 4. Chapter 5. Chapter 6. Chapter 7. Chapter 8. Chapter 9. Chapter 10. Chapter 11. Chapter 12. Chapter 13. Chapter 14. Chapter 15. Chapter 16. Chapter 17. Chapter 18. Chapter 19. Chapter 20. Epilogue.Chapter 6
"Mr.Bungston? Mr.Bungston?" Bungston sighed in his sleep. What a pleasant voice. It reminded him of someone. Had they fallen asleep in the van again? This thought initiated a new, more pleasant dream sequence. It was interrupted. "Mr.Bungston? You're supposed to wake up now."
Suddenly his shoulder was grabbed, and Bungston's fabled reflexes propelled him yowling from under the covers and across the bed. He ceased his attack when he realized that he was confronted not by a leering demon or mutant St.Bernard, but another one of the tow-head nymphettes who swarmed around the lodge. She was wearing the top to Bungston's own Inconspicuous Garb, and it attracted rather more interest than it was designed to. Although Bungston himself was no giant, this girl was quite short, and the sloped collar of the Garb fell away to reveal a fair bit of girl underneath. "Mumph. Hey. Yeah," expounded Bungston eloquently as he slid his eyes away from the tantalizing shadows.
She was staring at him anxiously, doubtless because of his spectacular awakening. "Ah, I'm Buffy. I'm supposed to come wake you up."
Bungston slid off of the other side of the bed, embarrassed of his biplane-decorated footie pajamas. At least you couldn't get bedhead with a crewcut. "Yeah, doing his dirty work. The shagbastard probably knew I wouldn't actually kick you." He wanted this Buffy or Buffie or whatever it was to leave, so he could either change or go back to sleep, but instead she circled around the bed, giving her a full view of the hapless wizard's silly pajamas. Bungston tucked his feet under him to conceal the footies, and so as not to seem disrespectful the girl sat on the floor too, bare knees protruding from the oversized Garb.
"I like the way you've done your room," she said, rather pointlessly in Bungston's opinion. The metallic blue walls were actually pretty cool, though.
"Yeah, thanks. It was sort of an accident. Magical backwash." He rocked back and forth uncomfortably. She showed no signs of leaving.
"Napoleon said you had to get an early start. Can you tell me what you guys are going to do? Is it a mission for the Queen?" The transition from sleep to conversation with a total stranger was pretty weird.
"Well, sort of. I guess it can't hurt to tell you. I'm supposed to find a certain magic item and bring it back here."
"Oooh, a quest! Just like the knights used to always do!"
"Yep, except the Queen decided to send me instead of Sir Galahad or some other knight. Don't ask why."
"I'm sure she thought you could do a better job than them. I don't know Galahad, but most of them just yell and brush their chest hair all of the time." She looked coyly at Bungston's chest, which, although mostly hairless, was at the moment playing host to several colorful biplanes.
Bungston could not believe this idle chit-chat was happening first thing in the morning. Was he supposed to undress right in front of her? His full-body tan would probably be better than the pajamas. Instead he swiftly rolled back over the bed and ducked into the bathroom. "Thanks for waking me up Buffie. I think I'm going to take a shower." Once inside he locked the door and rolled his eyes. It would be easy to be annoyed, but the poor girl was probably bored stiff; it couldn't be that exciting living in Avalon. Then again Bungston himself spent most of his time living in a cabana with no-one but a mutant for company. Pondering this, the wizard turned on the shower then settled himself on the toilet. After about a minute his reverie was interrupted by a knock at the bathroom door. "What do you want?", yelled Bungston over the noise of the shower.
"Ah, do you need any help?" It was Buffie again. Bungston gaped at her sheer audacity.
"No, I think I can cope with the shower today." There was no reply, and Bungston concluded she had left. Help with a shower! He had to laugh at how hard they tried to be hospitable here. He would really have to try to get the... that magic thing. Then he kicked himself for forgetting to ask Buffie how she had gotten his Inconspicuous Garb. It was a pretty hard kick. He winced at a scrape his toenail had dug, but decided it would heal.
After his shower, he went to eat in the mostly empty dining hall. Robigus and Napoleon were already there, and Bungston started eating with no delay. Robigus had evidently been at his armor with a ball peen hammer; the knuckle marks were gone and the whole ensemble, including the garish red-crested helmet from last night, shone like new. He strutted about, barely touching his breakfast. "I was surprised to hear you chose me to be the warrior in your party. It is indeed..."
Bungston waved a waffle at him. "Don't worry about it," he mumbled, firing lumps of chewed food into Napoleon's bowl of cereal. Napoleon had turned to look at Robigus, and didn't notice the extra calories added to his meal. "Yeah," he growled. "Just keep on your toes and we'll find that puppy in no time."
Robigus continued to bounce off the walls in unabated excitement. "Perhaps I may seem less of a fighter than many of the men here, but rest assured that I have tremendous reserves of power within me, to be released in time of need. When this happens, let our enemies beware! I am a coiled spring, ready to lash out at a moments notice."
Bungston passed Robigus the Human Cannonball Helmet. "Here you go. This will uncoil you just fine." Robigus took the red, white and blue helmet and looked inside in bewilderment. Bungston grabbed it back. "Wait, first - coiled clockwise or counterclockwise?" Before Robigus could reply Prince Charming entered, escorted by his two guards. The time had come.
It turned out that the Prince himself was going to walk them down to the beach and instruct them on how to use the golden spring vehicles, or "wrapped carriages" as the Prince called them. It was another cloudy overcast day in Avalon, but no-one seemed too upset; Charming and his honor guard all had on coats and Bungston got the feeling it was overcast a lot here. Prince Charming walked next to the wizard, with Robigus up ahead and Napoleon examining interesting things by the wayside here and there.
"So, Mr. Schagg, I am sorry to have rushed your stay here. But the Queen insists that with a matter as grave as this, you should begin as quickly as possible."
Bungston nodded solemnly, noticing the Prince also nodded solemnly in response. Bungston nodded again, and the Prince did the same. Both men walked along nodding like a couple of pigeons. Finally Bungston spoke up. "Yes, I take this situation as seriously as she. Avalon is a great place, though. I noticed a lot of old stuff here, like circles of standing stones. Are those made by the same civilization who built your, er, wrapped carriages?"
"No. As you probably can tell, we have a lot of fairies here. They are indigenous to the island, and we believe that it was their ancestors who raised the stones. As for this other civilization, where did you hear of it?"
Bungston pointed at Robigus, who was unaware of the attention he was given. The Prince nodded, and Bungston nodded again, in an effort to be polite. Then the Prince shook his head, and Bungston was unsure whether to keep on nodding or to begin shaking his head. He settled on a combination of the two. The Prince repeated this also, and spoke again. "The Queen likes to discourage such tales. She believes that people here have been losing respect for her, and so has decided to, er, take credit for the devices. In actuality, she deserves a fair bit of it, for it was her magic prowess that bent them to our will."
"Weren't they always corkscrew-shaped?", asked Napoleon, who promptly got tripped.
They emerged into the glade that Robigus, Napoleon and Bungston had passed through the previous afternoon. Today there were some small competitions and contests going on; this was apparently what passed for work on the island. Most of the competitors were Mediterraneans who had stripped down into skimpy exercise togs, and were thus pretty homogenous, except for one brooding gold-skinned giant with a crewcut doing isometrics off by himself. Bungston did recognize yet another blonde, quite tall and apparently on steroids. He figured she was probably Britomart, from Faerie Queene. Prince Charming noticed his gaze and gave him a gentle nudge. "I hope you liked the young lady who chose you this morning. We pride ourselves on our apsarases."
Bungston made a weird sort of sideways tilt and thrust with his head, curious whether Prince Charming would imitate it; unfortunately he did not. "An alarm clock would have worked just as well, and would have left when it was time to get naked. Well, maybe not, but you know what I mean. What's an apsarase? I've never heard of them."
The Prince's guards giggled and the Prince himself looked caught off guard. He nodded several times, as he seemed to like to do, then cleared his throat. "Mr. Schagg, the Queen was able to rescue a group of young ladies from a financially troubled Hindu paradise. We have continued using their old title, apsarase. They are, perhaps you might say, a sort of houri? A concubine, for lack of a better word."
Bungston was flabbergasted. "You mean she... and I... Holy buckets! We've got to go back!" He wheeled and began to jog back to the lodge, but Prince Charming caught his shoulder. Then Bungston noticed a commotion behind him and forgot about the neglected Buffy.
Napoleon had found the Bronze Age man who had tried to outeat him at the feast last night. The big mutant was leaning against one of the tall monoliths bounding the glade and watching the squat warrior heave a skull-sized boulder around and make dented craters in the grass. Bungston could tell from a distance that his mutant was planning trouble. He tapped Prince Charming. "Say, who is that guy in the fur bikini?"
The Prince squinted a little. "That is Cu Chulaind, a fearsome warrior to be sure. He was able..." Bungston had already taken off running.
Napoleon shuffled up and tapped the squat warrior on the shoulder. "Pretty handy with that rock, big fella."
Cu Chulaind puffed up his cheeks. "Indeed I am, monster. Watch this feat and match it if you can!" With that the Irish warrior hurled the boulder from his chest. It landed on the opposite side of the glade, a football field away. Napoleon gaped, but recovered his poise before Cu Chulaind could turn and notice. He then ran over to get the rock, meeting Bungston halfway.
The wizard was a little distraught. "Listen Nap, that guy is Cu Chulaind..."
"Kubla who?"
"Cu Chulaind! Don't mess with him! He'll eat you for brunch!" Napoleon brushed off the warning wtih a macho shrug, then continued to where the rock had embedded itself. After a few tugs, he freed it, then lifted it to his shaggy shoulder. Howling and yelling, he got a very good run-up, then threw the rock back toward his Bronze Age opponent. It flew past him and landed in the woods. Full of pride, Napoleon swaggered the rest of the distance to where the Irish warrior was fuming. "How's that, Coolie man?"
Cu Chulaind gesticulated wildly toward the glade, his face getting redder and redder. "You did cheat, hairy monster! You ran nearly all of the way across the field before loosing the stone!" It was true.
Napoleon was patronizing. "Ok, ok, Kukla," he ground in his best gravel-mixer tones. "We'll try something else you're better at." Cu Chulaind said nothing, but picked up a weighty bronze javelin nearby. The contest had started attracting attention, and other people in the glade, many of whom recoginized Napoleon from the eating contest the night before, walked over to watch.
Cu Chulaind hefted the javelin with an audible grind of his teeth. "Now watch, monster. I will throw this spear and catch it before it lands!" With a resonant grunt, the burly fighter fired the javelin away and then took off running, kicking up divots as he went. He made it easily to the spot where the javelin was going to land and snatched it from the air, the turned and ran back. The audience clapped for this truly fantastic display. Panting a little, Cu Chulaind thrust the javelin at Napoleon, who accepted it with dignity.
"Alright Coolie. Now you watch as I throw the javelin, and catch it - even before it leaves my own hands!" Bungston groaned at this but went unnoticed. Napoleon was having trouble gripping the javelin with his less-than-prehensile hands but eventually got a firm grasp. He ran up, lifted the bronze spear, and shook it crazily above his head, grunting moist grunts and kicking his feet for added effect. He then returned to the standing stone in triumph.
For a few seconds there was total silence, then Bungston began cheering for all he was worth. Robigus took the hint and joined in. Standing near them was the tall Amazon Bungston had guessed to be Britomart. After a moment's hesitation she too began to whistle for Napoleon, and then the whole crowd joined in. Napoleon did a little dance and spiked the javelin football-style, although it did not stick in the ground. Then he raised it and shook it over his head again, eliciting more cheers. Then he noticed Cu Chulaind.
One of the Irish warrior's eyes had swollen hideously to the size of a dinner plate, its veins standing out like the arteries on a horse's neck. The other had shrunk to nearly invisible size. As Napoleon watched, the frenzied man's hair rose up as if electrically charged and stood on end, forming a bizarre aura around his head. Spectators began to clear out, and Bungston reached in to drag Napoleon away from where he was staring in disbelief at the warrior's one bloated eyeball. Cu Chulaind began shaking and gnashing his teeth, and a drop of blood oozed forth at the tip of each hair. "Whoah! Battle Frenzy!" shouted Bungston. "Someone hose him down!" It was too late. The berzerk warrior surged after Napoleon, who was now retreating in earnest. Robigus drew his sword and poised valiantly before the charge, but was buffetted aside like an obnoxious toddler. Bungston realized from watching the javelin-catching display that there was no way to outrun this guy. He steered Napoleon for a nearby standing stone and gave him a boost. "Climb for all you're worth!" The mutant's arms and legs were fortunately almost long enough to encircle the stone, and he made good progress. Bungston ducked away and started to shout as Cu Chulaind reached the stone and began flailing at it with fists and feet in a frothing babbling frenzy. Big black chips of basalt flew in all directions.
"BATTLE FIDDLE TENDER VITTLE TRADE A LOT TO GET A..." With a tremendous crack Cu Chulaind kicked the base of the stone completely out from under the monolith, sending the dislocated boulder hopping and rolling across the glade. Unbalanced with a big mutant St. Bernard cowering atop it, the tall monolith slowly tipped, then fell, striking the raging Gael square in his bloody, frizzy mass of hair and driving him into the ground like a tree fertilizer stake.
Napoleon gasped a little with the wind knocked out of him, then staggered back to his feet. He walked over to where Bungston was standing and clapped him on the back. "Nice bit of work there."
Bungston spread his hands. "I had nothing to do with it. Mutant luck, I guess. I don't know how you thought you could pull that stupid javelin trick though." He noticed that the prone stone was vibrating, and if Cu Chulaind continued to be as cartoon-unrealistic as he had so far Bungston figured he would probably bash his way free like Wile E. Coyote on earthquake pills. They collected Robigus and hustled away to where the Prince was waiting back in the forest.
Prince Charming looked pretty stern. "I do not know why you bait Cu Chulaind. He is a terribly fierce warrior with little sense of humor. I would think you could choose more appreciative targets for your gibes."
Napoleon shrugged off the reprimand and looked over his shoulder back at the glade. "Did you see his eyeball? I was sure it was about to pop!" Prince Charming ignored him, so the mutant ambled off to examine an interesting tree.
They soon reached the beach, where a golden coil larger than either of the two previously encountered rested on the beach. In addition, this coil had within it a passenger compartment, also spring-shaped, which was mounted on golden coiled gimbals. Bungston considered this a vast improvement over a cigar-tube trailer. Prince Charming withdrew a miniature coil set into a mahogany platform from his coat. "Our carriages are really not difficult at all to operate." The miniature coil was mounted so it could be freely spun in place, and its destination controlled by studs on the base. "The carriage has some rude intelligence in and of itself," explained the Prince. "It will avoid obstacles in its path and prevent entry by unwanted objects." Bungston did not mention the galley oar he had coaxed into the coil which had shanghied him to Avalon. A fairy lackey trudged up with a sack of gold coin and presented it to Napoleon. After shaking hands with the Prince and hugging both of the royal guards, Bungston and his intrepid companions leapt into their coil and were on their way.
NEXT CHAPTER (7)
Chapter 1. Chapter 2. Chapter 3. Chapter 4. Chapter 5. Chapter 6. Chapter 7. Chapter 8. Chapter 9. Chapter 10. Chapter 11. Chapter 12. Chapter 13. Chapter 14. Chapter 15. Chapter 16. Chapter 17. Chapter 18. Chapter 19. Chapter 20. Epilogue.