?Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks. 
?Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think. 
?Murphy's Third Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time. 
?Ralph's corrolary to Murphy's law: Try not to be there when it happens 
?Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. 
?Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway. 
?Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 
?Murphy's Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 
?Chisolm's Third Law, Corollary 1: If you explain so clearly that no one can misunderstand, somebody will. 
?Chisolm's Third Law, Corollary 2: If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone's approval, somebody won't like it. 
?Crane's Law: There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. 
?Law of Communications: The result of improved and enlarged communications is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding. 
?Lord Falkland's Rule: When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision. 
?Jones' Motto: Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 
?Gumperson's Law: The probability of anything happening is inversely proportional to its desirability. 
?The usefulness of a meeting is inversely proportional to its attendance. 
?The Peter Principle: In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence; every post tends to be filled by an employee incompetent to execute its duties. 
?Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place. 
?Parkinson's First Law: Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. 
?Parkinson's Second Law: Expenditures rise to meet income. 
?Shanahan's Law: The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present. 
?Zymurgy's Seventh Exception to Murphy's Laws: When it rains it pours. 
?You can lead a horse to water, but it's a lot faster to ride him 
?Sharing means getting less 
?Show me a trunk murderer and I'll show you a sloppy packer -Alfred E Neuman
?Many lament their memory- none their morals  
?What's black and white and red all over? -A nun with a nosebleed. 
?Every Titanic has its iceberg. 
?What's tennis without a racket? 
?Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children. 
?An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought. 
?You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. 
?A closed mouth gathers no foot. 
?A rolling stone gathers momentum. 
?Gravity doesn't exist: the earth sucks. 
?What's the most popular form of birth control? The headache. 
?What's black and white and red all over? A burning firehouse dog. 
?Clean mind, clean body: take your pick. 
?What's black and white and red all over? An embarassed zebra. 
?Ancient Chinese Curse: May you live in interesting times. 
?Ancient Chinese Curse: May all your wishes be granted. 
?Ahhhhhhhh, I forget what I was going to say. 
?Organization is the enemy of improvisation. 
?Familiarity breeds. 
?How do you tell the sex of a chromosome? You pull down its genes. 
?A good memory does not equal pale ink. 
?He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions
?On a clear disk you can seek forever. 
?Opening night: the night before the play is ready to open. 
?I did it! I found the program's last bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug 
?La vache qui rit est jolie. (Laughing cows are pretty.) 
?On y soit, qui mal y pense. (You are what you think.) 
?Wer zuletzt lacht, lacht am besten. (He who laughs last laughs best.) 
?He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke. 
?C'est la vie. 
?As a goatherd learns his trade by goat, so a writer learns his trade by wrote. 
?!lanimret siht edisni deppart ma I !pleH 
?Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits. 
?"Oh frabjous day, calloo, callay" he chortled in his joy. 
?Let him who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. 
?To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. And so we plow along, as the fly said to the ox. 
?Crittendon's 14th application of Murphy's First Law: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. 
?Ginsberg's Theorems: 1) You can't win. 2) You can't break even. 3) You can't even quit the game. 
?Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. 
?Chisolm's Third Law, Corollary 3: Procedures designed to implement the purpose won't quite work. 
?O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Laws: Murphy was an optimist. 
?Sevareid's Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions. 
?If at first you don't succeed, try something else. 
?Kitman's Law: Pure drivel tends to drive away ordinary drivel. 
?Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in. 
?The Law of Selective Gravity (The Buttered Side Down Law): An object will fall so as to do the most damage. 
?Interchangable devices won't. 
?In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. 
?Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving System Dynamics: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can. 
?Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it, get a larger hammer. 
?If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. 
?A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. 
?Hartley's first law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you've got something. 
?How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless hound. Westheimer's Time Estimation Rule: Estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, add 3, and change the unit of measure to the next higher unit. 
?The Fourth Law of Computing: On a slow day, you can wait forever. 
?A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well. 
?I don't know, ask Ken. 
?Bye's First Law of Model Railroading: Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults encountered is proportional to the number of viewers. 
?Wolfgang's Third Law: It can't work. 
?Don's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions. 
?Si six scies scient six saucissions, six cent six scies scieront six cent six saucissions. (If 6 saws saw 6 sausages, 606 saws will saw 606 sausages). 
?Un chasseur sachant chasser chasse sans son chien. (A hunter who knows how to hunt hunts without his dog). 
?Ton the' t'a-t'il ote' ton toux? (Did the tea cure your cough?) 
?Dinon dina, dit on, du dos dodu d'un dodu dindon. (Dindon dined, said he, on the fat back of a fat turkey.) 
?Qui trop embrasse mal entreint. (Grab much, gain little.) 
?Quien mucho abarca poco aprieta. (Grab much, gain little.) 
?First Law of Advice: The correct advice is to give the advice that is desired. 
?Third Law of Advice: Simple advice is the best advice. 
?If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a restaurant. -- Snoopy 
?There is nothing worse than being peerless in a peer-review system. Alia jacta est. (The die is cast.) 
?If little else, the brain is an educational toy. -- Tom Robbins 
?Oh, what tangled webs we weave When we first practice to deceive. -- Sir Walter Scott 
?When in darkness or in doubt, Run in circles, scream and shout. 
?Sweer's Impossibility Theorem: Nothing can be both completely general and internally consistent at the same time. 
?Internal consistency is more highly valued than efficiency. 
?Jenkinson's Law: It won't work. 
?The DREA Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions, the experimental apparatus will do exactly as it pleases. 
?Skip's Lament: Given any problem containing N equations, there will be n+1 unknowns. 
?Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 
?Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. 
?Always draw your curves then plot the readings. 
?Experiments should be reproducable, -- they should all fail in the same way. 
?Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. 
?When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer. 
?Any given program will expand to fill all available resources. 
?The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. Small change can often be found under seat cushions. 
?Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. 
?Never try to outstubborn a cat. 
?Anything free is worth what you pay for it. 
?Cheops' Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. 
?Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected; carefully planned projects only twice as long. 
?Wynne's Law: Negative slack tends to increase. 
?Boren's Law: When in doubt, mumble. 
?Q's Law: No matter what stage of completion one reaches in a project, the cost of the remainder of the project remains constant. Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the soul of genius. 
?Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down. 
?Jargon is used as a means of succeeding by not simplifying. 
?The six steps in a project: 1) Unbounded enthusiasm 2) Total disillusionment 3) PANIC!! 4) Frantic search for the guilty 5) Punishment of the innocent 6) Promotion of the uninvolved. 
?Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy. 
?Two wrongs do not make a right: it usually takes three or more. 
?You are the only person to get this message. 
?A gift of flowers will soon be made to you. 
?A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn't lose her confidence. 
?A king's castle is his home. 
?A lie in time saves nine. 
?A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never. 
?A man who turns green has eschewed protein. 
?A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs. 
?A present, over which you will shed tears of joy. 
?A stitch in time saves nine. 
?A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn. 
?A vivid and creative mind characterizes you. 
?A wise man can see more from a the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top. 
?Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth. 
?All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly. 
?Among the lucky, you are the chosen one. 
?An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. 
?Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance. 
?Be self-reliant and your success is assured. 
?Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life. 
?Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. 
?Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another. 
?Bedfellows make strange politicians. 
?Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. 
?Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment. 
?Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. -- Mae West. 
?Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes. -- Thoreau 
?Beware of friends who are false and deceitful. 
?By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. 
?By following the good, you learn to be good. 
?Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap. 
?Courage is your greatest present need. 
?Creditors have much better memories than debtors. 
?Do not clog intellect's sluices with knowledge of questionable uses. 
?Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it. 
?Economy makes men independent. 
?Even a hawk is an eagle among crows. 
?Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion. 
?Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark. 
?Every purchase has its price. 
?Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment. 
?Everything bows to success, even grammar. 
?Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you. 
?Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door. Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth. 
?For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will like. 
?Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgment. 
?From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance. 
?Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals. 
?God gives us relatives; thank God we can chose our friends. 
?
?He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap. 
?He thinks that he could easily win your heart. 
?He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose. 
?He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with two eyes. 
?He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals. 
?He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last. 
?He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet. 
?He who invents adages for others to peruse takes along rowboat when going on cruise. 
?He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. 
?Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason. 
?His heart was yours from the first moment that you met. 
?His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler. 
?History books which contain no lies are extremely dull. 
?How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to? 
?How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent. 
?How you look depends on where you go. 
?I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise. 
?I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is one of nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy. 
?I fear explanations explanatory of things explained. 
?I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours. 
?I must have slipped a disk--my pack hurts. 
?Un tien vaut miex que deux tu l'auras. (A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.) 
?Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. -- R. Geis 
?Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 
?You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. 
?Wit: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery... by leaving it out. 
?Wiker's Law: Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some. 
?It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as high as the eagle? 
?Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) 
?If all be true that I do think, There be Five Reasons why one should Drink; Good friends, good wine, or being dry, Or lest we should be by-and-by, Or any other reason why. 
?"It is bad luck to be superstitious." 
?As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there is always a future in Computer Maintenance. 
?Eleanor Rigby Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen Lives in a dream Waits for a signal, finding some code that will make the machine do some more. What is it for? All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 
?Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management. -- Senator Soaper 
?Fats Loves Madelyn 
?Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. 
?If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will. 
?Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. 
?"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either." -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston 
?As I was passing Project MAC, I met a 990 with seven hacks. Every hack had seven bugs; Every bug had seven manifestations; Every manifestation had seven symptoms. Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, How many losses at Project MAC? 
?Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account. 
?The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant becasue it isn't here. -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) 
?Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. 
?Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. -- Oscar Wilde 
?Deliberation: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on. 
?God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. 
?This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been. 
?There's one fool at least in every married couple. 
?Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal. 
?Once Law was sitting on the bench And Mercy knelt a-weeping. "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! Nor come before me creeping. Upon you knees if you appear, 'Tis plain you have no standing here." Then Justice came. His Honor cried: "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" "Amica curiae," she replied -- "Friend of the court, so please you." "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- I never saw your face before!" 
?Who made the world I cannot tell; 'Tis made, and here am I in hell. My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, I never soiled with such a deed. -- A. E. Housman 
?Money is the roott of all evil, and man needs roots. 
?Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. 
? THEORY Into love and out again, Thus I went and thus I go. Spare your voice, and hold your pen: Well and bitterly I know All the songs were ever sung, All the words were ever said; Could it be, when I was young, Someone dropped me on my head? -- Dorothy Parker 
?Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is. 
?Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat. 
?Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. 
?Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben. 
?"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor." 
?Hi! How are things going? (just fine, thank you...) Great! Say, could I bother you for a question? (you just asked one...) Well, how about one more? (one more than the first one?) Yes. (you already asked that...) [at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ] May I ask two questions, sir? (no.) May I ask ONE then? (nope...) Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question? (yes, you may.) Sir, how may I ask you a question? (you must ask for retroactive question asking priveleges for the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that number plus two one for the current question, and one for the next one) Sir, may I ask nine questions? (go right ahead...) 
?Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. 
?Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. 
?A Law of Computer Programming: Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you will find the programmers cannot write in English. 
?Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence 
?Harris' Lament: All the good ones are taken. 
?Those who can't write, write manuals. 
?HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains. -- Walt Kelley 
?Bank error in your favor. Collect 200 dollars. 
?Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. 
?If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is also a psychological interaction. The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so friendly. The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. 
?God is a polythiest 
?"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth" 
?Die: To stop sinning suddenly. -- Elbert Hubbard 
?Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. 
?Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. 
?When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. 
?Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading it. 
?Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health. 
?"Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process..." 
?Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking -- H. L. Mencken 
?Finagle's fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. 
?Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerfull, we can orgranize them into a committee -- that will do them in. 
?Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Cleveland. 
?Conway's Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired. 
?Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. 
?Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. -- Mark Twain 
?"Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles." 
?You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. 
?Silverman's Law: If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. 
?Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year. 
?Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side. 
?It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. 
?Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. -- Oscar Wilde 
?Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. -- Voltaire 
?A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students. -- John Ciardi 
?Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. 
?Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails. 
?Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. 
?Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain of being a damned fool. -- Bellamy Brooks 
?A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. 
?Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug. 
?ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church- door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. 
?Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener. 
?Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do. 
?Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face. 
?God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. 
?"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont." -- Clarence Darrow 
?Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move. 
?We have met the enemy, and he is us. -- Walt Kelly 
?Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. -- G. B. Shaw 
?The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! 
?Did you know.... That no-one ever reads these things? 
? "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" asked the father of his little son. "Diet." 
?Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. 
?If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder. -- Pope John Paul I 
?You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior executive. 
?Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. 
?"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company." 
?Stay away from flying saucers today. 
?The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. -- Anatole France 
?Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. 
?When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you modify the problem. 
?Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. 
?Ten years of rejection slips is the world's way of telling you to stop writing. 
?May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts 
?Brain fried -- Core dumped 
?Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better. -- Foolish Dictionary 
?Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so get used to it. 
?If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get ice, but no cup. 
?Rule of Feline Frustration: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. 
?Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it. 
?Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. 
?Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points. 
?Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus trees. 
?"Beware the software rot, my son! The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! Beware the broken pipe, and shun The frumious system crash!"  
?Even the most difficult ethical decision is easy for those who are not involved in it emotionally or financially.
?Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. 
?If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool. 
?Hail to the sun god He sure is a fun god Ra! Ra! Ra!  
?Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together -- Carl Zwanzig 
?Predestination was doomed from the start. 
?"An American is a man with two arms and four wheels". -- A Chinese child 
?Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but Americans call him by value.